Subdued July

July is a beautiful summer month, but there's a couple of times during the month when I'm a little subdued. Not sad, or depressed....just.....subdued. My two sons that passed were both born in July. Adam was born July 25 and Bret was born July 3.

I'm still at risk of feelings of guilt and doing the "what if" thing to myself, but for the most part, I'm over that kind thinking. What I feel most now is just..... missing them. I'm not sure how to completely, accurately describe the feeling associated with their loss at this point. It's been 24 years since Bret has passed and 7 since Adam's passing. The immediate sting and severity suffered immediately after their passing does get better with time, but missing them does not. I thought it would.

I've heard many metaphors and analagies for the feelings of a parent over the loss of a child. Some come close, but none do it justice. I don't know when or if the feeling ever goes away. I'm not sure I want it to. Maybe that's why it's so profoundly with me.

I know that beyond those few days out of the year that bring out the "missing", there are many days that are full of joy, new beautiful experiences, rich life and tremendous abundance all around me. I allow myself those few days of being subdued so that I am able to be fully present for all the other days.

I don't want to be one of the walking dead, I don't want to be so taken by my trials that I don't see the blessings of my life. My beautiful, strong and extraordinarily perservering daughter Meagan who is one of the strongest people I know. My handsome, sweet, loving son Chris who has been my silent support and partner after Adams death and Meagans accident, he has been an unsung hero through these last few years. My precious grandchildren. There is something about my grandchildren that never fails to raise my spirits no matter what life is throwing at me. One smile from my children or grandchildren remove the gray filter of life to reveal it's true blessings and goodness. It's there, it's always there....some days it just harder to see.