Faith

I was recently asked by someone very close to me to give an example of how a desire of mine came to fruition when initially I could not see any way my desire could be manifested.

I'm not a religious person in the common definition of religious, at least not any more. I pretty much define myself as a deeply spiritual person. I have great faith, and it has been tested, and tested.........and tested beyond anything I could have ever imagined. I've seen the miracles that result from great faith time and time again in my own life.

After Meagan had been in the hospital for 6 months it was time for her to be released. I was given two options. I was told she could not live independently and I should put her in a nursing home, or I could take her home and a home health aid could take care of her, a stranger. The state would pay for part of it and I would pay for the rest. I didn't like either option so I created a third choice. I found a loophole in the system that would allow me to take care of Meagan and get paid to do so, even though I was related to her, but first I needed somewhere to live. There was no choice in my eyes. I was going to take care of her, I just didn't know how yet.

There were many roadblocks. I knew what I wanted, but didn't see any way for it to happen. I was jobless, homeless, car-less, penniless, and had literally no income. How was I going to get a home with no job and no money. If I couldn't get a home then I couldn't get the job to take care of her. If I could figure out a way to get a home, then how was I going to get her to rehab, doctor appointments, go grocery shopping and was I going to make enough money to take care of us both.

The list of hurdles was overwhelming to me. I didn't see anyway to make it happen. I couldn't bear the thought of sending my 19 year old daughter to go live in a brain injury long term care facility that was 2 1/2 hours away for the rest of her life. I wanted her to have a chance, I'd lost two children, I didn't want to write off another child....it would have been a third loss and I wasn't ready to go there, to give up on her, to give up on all of it, yet I had no idea how I was going to do it. I just believed, I had faith.

I told them to prepare Meagan to leave and I had two weeks to figure it all out. Going down Rock Road one day in a borrowed car on my way to see Meagan, I saw some apartments. I got an overwhelming feeling to stop. I stopped. I had no idea what I was going to do, or ask or anything....I just knew I should stop. I happen to catch the manager just before she was going to lunch. She seemed stern and very professional, almost cold as she approached me. I suddenly wanted to turn around and walk away, but I couldn't. My feet felt planted like they were encased in cement. She stopped uncomfortably close to me, put her hand on my shoulder and asked me what she could do for me in the sweetest, kindest voice that was the exact opposite of her appearance. I started crying. Something about her voice, her hand on my shoulder, the feeling of being in this place and not really knowing why I was there at that moment so unplanned and unprepared - broke my emotional dam.

She took my hand and led me to a chair, sat me down and pulled up a chair next to me. Her face was soft as she handed me a tissue to wipe my tears and blow my nose. She smiled and asked if there was anything she could do to help me. I remember looking down at my feet while the story of the last few months came out of my mouth like verbal diarrhea.

I kept staring at my feet for what seemed like forever, a little afraid to look up. I heard a noise. She was crying. It was my turn to hand her a tissue. After a few moments she regained her composure, stood up and walked behind her desk. She said, "Let's see what I can do to help you get a home".

She was my miracle that day. She bypassed all the standard requirements and gave me an apartment, gave my family a chance. With the financial help of close family and even distant family that barely knew me, I was able to move in and bring Meagan home. Two weeks prior, I could not see a way, but a way was made.

A few years later, Meagan was ready to move out. My job as her personal care provider was at an end. I needed to find another job. For almost 4 years while I had taken care of Meagan I had riden my bike everywhere. I did my grocery shopping by loading up my bike panniers and managed to go everywhere I needed to on my bike. When Meagan had to go to the doctors, rehab or anywhere else, we used a van service provided through medicaid and I was able to ride along. I'd manage to survive without a car, but how was I going to get a job and get to work without a car. I didn't know, but I kept going.

Eventually I got an interview with a Great Plains Industries. I got a ride to and from the interview from the maintenance man at the apartments. I got a second interview and took a cab there and walked home because I couldn't afford to take the cab home. I got the job.

Now I was faced with the issue of getting to and from work. The first couple of days I talked a neighbor into taking me to work and I asked for a ride home from one of my coworkers. The third day at work, I asked around and found out that there was a shower in the lab. I talked the lab manager into letting me have a key to the lab and using the shower at work after riding my bike there. So that's what I did. Everyday for months and months I rode my bike to work with all my cloths and essentials in my backpack, unlocked the lab, took a shower, stored my bike in the lab and at the end of the day, changed and rode my bike back home. I told myself and everyone else I was doing it for the exercise, which in a way, it was.

One day a buyer I worked with, Chris Carillo, offered to give me rides to and from work and only asked that I help pay for gas. I jumped at it. Later on another coworker, Lynn Charlier, gave Chris a break and took over giving me rides. Lynn's hours changed and she couldn't give me rides any longer, so another kind soul and coworker, James Mabry, stepped up to help me with rides.

James picked me up one morning and told me he was getting married, "Oh and by the way, I told her about you and what you've been through and she offered to give you one of her vehicles". I think my heart stopped for a moment when he told me that. I had not had a vehicle for years! James fiance had no idea who I was. I was a stranger to her, yet she was willing to give me a car. I was beside myself with joy. A few weeks later, after more help from Lynn Charlier for some financial matters concerning the vehicle and licensing etc, I was given a van by Julia Mabry. The only thing Julia asked me to do was to "Pay it Forward".

It's amazing to me the things I've experienced. The hardships, the blessings, the people that have been put in my path, the miracles, the growth, the pain, the joy. I've learned to live in the moment, to live in a state of gratitude and acknowledge the abundance in life - all are gifts. I have tremendously hard days, days where my faith is tried, days I question myself and my purpose but they are fewer and far between now. My family is everything to me. My children, grandchildren, sisters and brothers, parents, aunts and uncles, nephews and nieces and daughter in law are all my oxygen. With the help of family, friends and strangers that bless me, even though I can't see the "whole staircase", I will keep trying to step forward in faith.

Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase. Just take the first step."

- Dr Martin Luther King Jr

Kirkism...

My brother is in town for his high school reunion this weekend and Kirk decided to take me out to eat. We decided on Nu-way on the corner of 13th and Woodlawn. It was Friday evening and for some reason we were the only customers under 80 in the place. It was a good meal, the root beer rocked. We ate quickly and had great conversation about just about everything. I love talking to Kirk. He's insightful, intelligent, sensitive and empathetic. He and I are quite a bit alike in many ways, so it's always easy and comfortable to be with him. I told him if I could find a man like him I would marry him. This coming from a woman who said she would never marry again, but I would if I could find a man like my brother. Needless to say I think highly of him......

Well, among his many qualities - humor is one quality that stands out for me. As we were getting into the truck, we were talking about Seattle and how I would love to live in that area....let's face it, Kansas is flat and geographically boring. So he says.......

(here's the Kirkism) :

"Well, you know what they say about Kansas don't you?"

"no" I say.

With a barely perceivable grin he says.....

"If your dog runs away today....four day later, you will still be able to see him running."

yep......Kansas is that flat.

My untitled poetry

the thick gray veil if given permission
layers heavy with grief and trial
only strenghtens it to fight
wasted energy in rage

rather,

wisdom in asking for hearts desire
unfailing faith it will be given
always forgiving living in gratitude
then exists the gray veil no more

Subdued July

July is a beautiful summer month, but there's a couple of times during the month when I'm a little subdued. Not sad, or depressed....just.....subdued. My two sons that passed were both born in July. Adam was born July 25 and Bret was born July 3.

I'm still at risk of feelings of guilt and doing the "what if" thing to myself, but for the most part, I'm over that kind thinking. What I feel most now is just..... missing them. I'm not sure how to completely, accurately describe the feeling associated with their loss at this point. It's been 24 years since Bret has passed and 7 since Adam's passing. The immediate sting and severity suffered immediately after their passing does get better with time, but missing them does not. I thought it would.

I've heard many metaphors and analagies for the feelings of a parent over the loss of a child. Some come close, but none do it justice. I don't know when or if the feeling ever goes away. I'm not sure I want it to. Maybe that's why it's so profoundly with me.

I know that beyond those few days out of the year that bring out the "missing", there are many days that are full of joy, new beautiful experiences, rich life and tremendous abundance all around me. I allow myself those few days of being subdued so that I am able to be fully present for all the other days.

I don't want to be one of the walking dead, I don't want to be so taken by my trials that I don't see the blessings of my life. My beautiful, strong and extraordinarily perservering daughter Meagan who is one of the strongest people I know. My handsome, sweet, loving son Chris who has been my silent support and partner after Adams death and Meagans accident, he has been an unsung hero through these last few years. My precious grandchildren. There is something about my grandchildren that never fails to raise my spirits no matter what life is throwing at me. One smile from my children or grandchildren remove the gray filter of life to reveal it's true blessings and goodness. It's there, it's always there....some days it just harder to see.

Self Deprication

"Blessed are we who can laugh at ourselves, for we shall never cease to be amused".

Unknown.

Resilient Spirit

My sister Becky came by the other day and sat with me at my dining room table chatting about the minutia of daily life. It began as a superfluous conversation but quickly moved into a deeply personal topic. Me. She called me a resilient spirit and said the most wonderful, uplifting and deeply moving words to me that day at my table.

I'm usually uncomfortable talking about myself in any deep way to most people, but Becky is not most people. I trust my sister with every fiber of my being. I feel free and comfortable with her in a way I am not with any other human. I feel this way because she has earned my trust. She has kept my deepest thoughts and confessions confidential. She listens without judgement. She has never attempted to teach me through shame or manipulation but with soft words and understanding. She offers help without demanding that I take it and does the same with her advice. She is firm in her beliefs while allowing me to voice mine freely. When I have dark days, she is supportive, loving and never shames me for being human and having human moments in my human life. She's helped me to understand who I am, accept myself and love myself. She has done this through her total and unconditional acceptance of me...all of me....the good, the bad and the ugly. She's managed to teach me late in my life what I never learned growing up; what it means to love unconditionally.

It's not an easy feat to love unconditionally. It's a rare virtue. It takes the ability to forgive. Not just sometimes, but always. It takes a tremendous ability to put yourself in anothers place, to see through their eyes, and if possible, feel what the other feels, as Becky does so well. It sometimes takes long suffering, although as she has taught me, this doesn't mean accepting disrespect, as well as never disrespecting oneself, or others. It takes the willingness to teach if necessary, and to be taught-because none of us knows everything and we can all learn something from everyone. These are but a few of her attributes, a few of her gifts that she shares with me and others. I am blessed to have her as a sister. I hope someday I can repay her for helping to repair my broken heart and spirit, especially these last few years.

Becky, I want you to know it's amazing how you always seem to know what I need and when I need it. There were times when my resiliency was lost and I was breaking... you were there to remind me who I was and what I was capable of doing in this life, having unfailing faith in me. Thank you for always being there for me and knowing my heart and spirit so well. Thank you for your kind, supportive and loving words that help me to keep moving forward. You are my mother, sister, friend and confidant. Thank you for being my guardian angel here on earth. I don't know what I would have done without you in my life, I'm thankful I've not had to find out. Thank you for being you and for loving me so well. You help me believe in myself and help me believe that I am worthy of being loved by others. You have blessed me and continue to bless me in every way a human being is capable. I love you. Thank you for loving me unconditionally. I love you..............unconditionally.

Sebastain's First Communion (2008)

Happy Birthday Bret H Spackman

Yesterday was my son's birthday, Bret. He passed October 27th, 1984. I think of him nearly everyday and miss him terribly. Special thoughts and love you always son.

Found Christa!

I had a wonderful best friend in high school that I lost contact with for many years now. We've both lived in Kansas, and I ran into her once in JC Penny's in Towne East many years ago, but never connected after that. I've thought about her so often. She was so fun and funny; beautiful with her long legs, gorgeous skin and smile. I've missed her.

I just started twittering and facebook and found her through facebook. I'm so excited to have found her again. I remember her as being so full of life and almost fearless and so beautiful. She sent me a note today and everything I remembered about her is still there. Even in her short note it came through. Fighting breast cancer with an indominable spirit and still generous with her compliments. I've missed my dear high school friend. I'm so glad I found her again. I'm looking forward to getting to know her after all these years.