Cone of Silence

When I decided to write a book about my life I started the process by writing down my memories. Anything, no matter how small it seems to me, I write what I can remember and file it online with all my other memories to be collected and organized later for the book. Even if this book is never published, it will serve as a journal of sorts, a way for me to restore so much that was lost of my childhood.

While writing, I’ve pulled out memories I had nicely tucked away for survivals sake and it’s been more than a little painful, but its part of the process. In mentally shelving parts of my life that were painful, unfortunately some good memories got shelved along with the bad ones. So I’m discovering that there is a balance, a payoff for my introspection that makes this almost exhilarating. I’m mentally deep cleaning all the clutter, and I find the occasional “happy” box. It’s like finding money you didn’t know you had in those jeans you haven’t worn for awhile.

Survival, it’s a marvelous tool we humans are endowed with. It served me when I was 5, 13, 16, 22, 40 years old. The incongruity of this kind of survival is it allows us to pass through the trauma and survive, but we must always at some point confront the trauma and if left unaddressed, exacerbates the issues and deteriorates the ability of the survivor to function fully. I’m acutely adept at surviving. It’s moving out of survival mode I’m not so good at.

Part of surviving, at least for me, was shutting down and shutting out. I was always aware that I did this to an extent, but a friend recently made the comment that he would like to “just once” crack that shell I have around myself. “The cone of silence” we jokingly called it. I don’t want to be that person anymore. My “cone of silence” or self contained shell I have myself in does not serve me any longer. It’s debilitating.

While at the State Basketball Tournament, the Special Olympics athletes have a dance. My friend and fellow coach made the comment that he loved watching them dance. “They are so free and not self conscience, they just enjoy themselves and don’t care what anyone thinks, they just have fun” ….. He added….”I enjoy being around that”.

Often I'm attracted to people who have attributes I lack. I’m unorganized so I’m attracted to men who are organized. I’m an introvert, I’m attracted to extroverts. I’m drawn to the Special Olympics athletes because despite their difficulties and obstacles, for the most part, they are just happy. Unabashedly,  joyful and in the moment.
I admire that. That’s where I want this journey to take me. To live unabashedly,  joyful and in the moment, every single day.