Ghetto Fabulous

Okay, so I already know my car is ghetto fabulous and in need of a muffler. I annouce my arrival and departure to everyone within a 2 mile radius everywhere I go, but I'm starving, haven't eaten all day, and I'm ordering Taco Shop drive thru. I'm second in line and the taco shop drive thru window guy leans out his window and gives me the stink eye and I'm not even up to the window yet.



When I do get to the window - he side hands me my delicious, fat - carb laden messssican treat I've been craving all day and (still without looking at me) yells..."your car needs a muffler"!!



I didn't know Taco Shop employed geniuses.

Forgiveness and Reconciliation

I saw the movie "Invictus" a couple of days ago. The film is a true story of how Nelson Mandela tried to unite South Africa by working with the Captain of South Africa's Rugby Team. Mandela understood that Rugby is hated by the Black South Africans who saw it as a symbol of Oppression and violence. But at the same time Mandela, being a man who was imprisoned in a tiny cell for 27 years also foresaw and believed that winning the Rugby world cup could be the thing that the country needed to feel unified. The overwhelming theme of the movie is Reconciliation and forgiveness and in turn hoped to foster a new "Rainbow Nation".



I was very impressed with a scene in the first 30 mins of the of the film when Mandela's Head of Security is not too happy with the white bodyguards being added to his detail, and that is when Mandela's talks about Forgiveness. This particular statement that he says made a very deep impact on me.



"Yes I know, forgiveness starts here. Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon."



Invictus (latin for unconquered) is at its very essence a classically Hollywood, inspirational underdog sports movie - but very well executed by Clint Eastwood. I enjoyed the movie immensely. I think Morgan Freeman and Matt Damon acted extremely well. Clint Eastwood has set up the context superbly and the movie has been woven well enough for the audience to realize what the winning of the Rugby World cup means to the entire nation of South Africa.



Even though the movie has it's share of cliches, it offered me an insight into the power of forgiveness and how it can change the hearts and attitudes of others. I was inspired and moved by this movie, as well as educated. I hope you can see the movie and share your thoughts as well.



I wanted so share the Poem by English Poet William Henley that President Mandela quotes in the movie. I was very very impressed by that poem. Here is the entire poem, but the four lines are the ones that made an such impact on me, and were repeated throughout the movie.



I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.



I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul.



It was just awesome and very inspiring. "I am the captain of my soul".



Here is the entire poem,



Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.



In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.



Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds and shall find me unafraid.



It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul.

Cone of Silence

When I decided to write a book about my life I started the process by writing down my memories. Anything, no matter how small it seems to me, I write what I can remember and file it online with all my other memories to be collected and organized later for the book. Even if this book is never published, it will serve as a journal of sorts, a way for me to restore so much that was lost of my childhood.

While writing, I’ve pulled out memories I had nicely tucked away for survivals sake and it’s been more than a little painful, but its part of the process. In mentally shelving parts of my life that were painful, unfortunately some good memories got shelved along with the bad ones. So I’m discovering that there is a balance, a payoff for my introspection that makes this almost exhilarating. I’m mentally deep cleaning all the clutter, and I find the occasional “happy” box. It’s like finding money you didn’t know you had in those jeans you haven’t worn for awhile.

Survival, it’s a marvelous tool we humans are endowed with. It served me when I was 5, 13, 16, 22, 40 years old. The incongruity of this kind of survival is it allows us to pass through the trauma and survive, but we must always at some point confront the trauma and if left unaddressed, exacerbates the issues and deteriorates the ability of the survivor to function fully. I’m acutely adept at surviving. It’s moving out of survival mode I’m not so good at.

Part of surviving, at least for me, was shutting down and shutting out. I was always aware that I did this to an extent, but a friend recently made the comment that he would like to “just once” crack that shell I have around myself. “The cone of silence” we jokingly called it. I don’t want to be that person anymore. My “cone of silence” or self contained shell I have myself in does not serve me any longer. It’s debilitating.

While at the State Basketball Tournament, the Special Olympics athletes have a dance. My friend and fellow coach made the comment that he loved watching them dance. “They are so free and not self conscience, they just enjoy themselves and don’t care what anyone thinks, they just have fun” ….. He added….”I enjoy being around that”.

Often I'm attracted to people who have attributes I lack. I’m unorganized so I’m attracted to men who are organized. I’m an introvert, I’m attracted to extroverts. I’m drawn to the Special Olympics athletes because despite their difficulties and obstacles, for the most part, they are just happy. Unabashedly,  joyful and in the moment.
I admire that. That’s where I want this journey to take me. To live unabashedly,  joyful and in the moment, every single day.

Channeling Becky

I’m one of those people that think of a great response to a cutting remark 2 days later while driving in my car and obsessing about what I should have said. Then I tell myself to remember that response for the next time that exact situation arises, which it never will, but if it ever does, I will be ready with a quick, witty retort!

Ish talk.( “Ish” is my word for sh**) has always been something I wanted to get better at. Ish talking, trash talking, BS’ing, whatever you want to call it, I stink at cutting someone else down. It’s engrained in me to be nice. Molly Mormon nice. Pollyanna nice, turn the other cheek nice. I still want to be nice, but when the occasion arises for ish talking, I would like to be Becky.

Becky is my sister. I write about her often because she is a big part of my life and always has been. One thing I haven’t written about her is her expertise in trash talk and her famous “stink eye”. She is the most giving, loving, caring, nurturing and nice person I know. But when the need arises for a good tongue lashing response to a smart ass remark, Becky is Queen. She puts away her nice girl hat, and puts on her “bitch” hat. It’s a thing of beauty to watch. She transforms from June Cleaver into Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I don’t think she ever obsesses over what she should have said because she just says what she’s thinking.

Even more impressive than her searing lingual skills, is her stink eye. It’s family lore that she came out of the womb and gave the Dr. the stink eye, stopping his hand mid-air. No one was spanking her ass unless she gave them permission first. That was 54 years ago, imagine how well honed her stink eye is now. I have literally seen it stop full grown men dead in their tracks. It’s made me take a step back a time or two. It’s freaking scary.

So, I’ve been practicing. I practice trash talk with the girls I work with. I practice with my classmates and family. I have my moments when I’m on top of my trash talking game and it feels good! There’s something empowering about not always being nice, about saying exactly what you want to say. I’ve also been developing my own stink eye. I feel a little like Zoolander, looking in the mirror developing my “look”, but in a “you better back that ish up” kind of way. When I practice, I try to channel Becky and gain strength from her example. It’s empowering. It’s freeing. It’s nice to not always be nice.