My brother is in town for his high school reunion this weekend and Kirk decided to take me out to eat. We decided on Nu-way on the corner of 13th and Woodlawn. It was Friday evening and for some reason we were the only customers under 80 in the place. It was a good meal, the root beer rocked. We ate quickly and had great conversation about just about everything. I love talking to Kirk. He's insightful, intelligent, sensitive and empathetic. He and I are quite a bit alike in many ways, so it's always easy and comfortable to be with him. I told him if I could find a man like him I would marry him. This coming from a woman who said she would never marry again, but I would if I could find a man like my brother. Needless to say I think highly of him......
Well, among his many qualities - humor is one quality that stands out for me. As we were getting into the truck, we were talking about Seattle and how I would love to live in that area....let's face it, Kansas is flat and geographically boring. So he says.......
(here's the Kirkism) :
"Well, you know what they say about Kansas don't you?"
"no" I say.
With a barely perceivable grin he says.....
"If your dog runs away today....four day later, you will still be able to see him running."
yep......Kansas is that flat.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Saturday, July 11, 2009
My untitled poetry
the thick gray veil if given permission
layers heavy with grief and trial
only strenghtens it to fight
wasted energy in rage
rather,
wisdom in asking for hearts desire
unfailing faith it will be given
always forgiving living in gratitude
then exists the gray veil no more
layers heavy with grief and trial
only strenghtens it to fight
wasted energy in rage
rather,
wisdom in asking for hearts desire
unfailing faith it will be given
always forgiving living in gratitude
then exists the gray veil no more
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Subdued July
July is a beautiful summer month, but there's a couple of times during the month when I'm a little subdued. Not sad, or depressed....just.....subdued. My two sons that passed were both born in July. Adam was born July 25 and Bret was born July 3.
I'm still at risk of feelings of guilt and doing the "what if" thing to myself, but for the most part, I'm over that kind thinking. What I feel most now is just..... missing them. I'm not sure how to completely, accurately describe the feeling associated with their loss at this point. It's been 24 years since Bret has passed and 7 since Adam's passing. The immediate sting and severity suffered immediately after their passing does get better with time, but missing them does not. I thought it would.
I've heard many metaphors and analagies for the feelings of a parent over the loss of a child. Some come close, but none do it justice. I don't know when or if the feeling ever goes away. I'm not sure I want it to. Maybe that's why it's so profoundly with me.
I know that beyond those few days out of the year that bring out the "missing", there are many days that are full of joy, new beautiful experiences, rich life and tremendous abundance all around me. I allow myself those few days of being subdued so that I am able to be fully present for all the other days.
I don't want to be one of the walking dead, I don't want to be so taken by my trials that I don't see the blessings of my life. My beautiful, strong and extraordinarily perservering daughter Meagan who is one of the strongest people I know. My handsome, sweet, loving son Chris who has been my silent support and partner after Adams death and Meagans accident, he has been an unsung hero through these last few years. My precious grandchildren. There is something about my grandchildren that never fails to raise my spirits no matter what life is throwing at me. One smile from my children or grandchildren remove the gray filter of life to reveal it's true blessings and goodness. It's there, it's always there....some days it just harder to see.
I'm still at risk of feelings of guilt and doing the "what if" thing to myself, but for the most part, I'm over that kind thinking. What I feel most now is just..... missing them. I'm not sure how to completely, accurately describe the feeling associated with their loss at this point. It's been 24 years since Bret has passed and 7 since Adam's passing. The immediate sting and severity suffered immediately after their passing does get better with time, but missing them does not. I thought it would.
I've heard many metaphors and analagies for the feelings of a parent over the loss of a child. Some come close, but none do it justice. I don't know when or if the feeling ever goes away. I'm not sure I want it to. Maybe that's why it's so profoundly with me.
I know that beyond those few days out of the year that bring out the "missing", there are many days that are full of joy, new beautiful experiences, rich life and tremendous abundance all around me. I allow myself those few days of being subdued so that I am able to be fully present for all the other days.
I don't want to be one of the walking dead, I don't want to be so taken by my trials that I don't see the blessings of my life. My beautiful, strong and extraordinarily perservering daughter Meagan who is one of the strongest people I know. My handsome, sweet, loving son Chris who has been my silent support and partner after Adams death and Meagans accident, he has been an unsung hero through these last few years. My precious grandchildren. There is something about my grandchildren that never fails to raise my spirits no matter what life is throwing at me. One smile from my children or grandchildren remove the gray filter of life to reveal it's true blessings and goodness. It's there, it's always there....some days it just harder to see.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Self Deprication
"Blessed are we who can laugh at ourselves, for we shall never cease to be amused".
Unknown.
Unknown.
Resilient Spirit
My sister Becky came by the other day and sat with me at my dining room table chatting about the minutia of daily life. It began as a superfluous conversation but quickly moved into a deeply personal topic. Me. She called me a resilient spirit and said the most wonderful, uplifting and deeply moving words to me that day at my table.
I'm usually uncomfortable talking about myself in any deep way to most people, but Becky is not most people. I trust my sister with every fiber of my being. I feel free and comfortable with her in a way I am not with any other human. I feel this way because she has earned my trust. She has kept my deepest thoughts and confessions confidential. She listens without judgement. She has never attempted to teach me through shame or manipulation but with soft words and understanding. She offers help without demanding that I take it and does the same with her advice. She is firm in her beliefs while allowing me to voice mine freely. When I have dark days, she is supportive, loving and never shames me for being human and having human moments in my human life. She's helped me to understand who I am, accept myself and love myself. She has done this through her total and unconditional acceptance of me...all of me....the good, the bad and the ugly. She's managed to teach me late in my life what I never learned growing up; what it means to love unconditionally.
It's not an easy feat to love unconditionally. It's a rare virtue. It takes the ability to forgive. Not just sometimes, but always. It takes a tremendous ability to put yourself in anothers place, to see through their eyes, and if possible, feel what the other feels, as Becky does so well. It sometimes takes long suffering, although as she has taught me, this doesn't mean accepting disrespect, as well as never disrespecting oneself, or others. It takes the willingness to teach if necessary, and to be taught-because none of us knows everything and we can all learn something from everyone. These are but a few of her attributes, a few of her gifts that she shares with me and others. I am blessed to have her as a sister. I hope someday I can repay her for helping to repair my broken heart and spirit, especially these last few years.
Becky, I want you to know it's amazing how you always seem to know what I need and when I need it. There were times when my resiliency was lost and I was breaking... you were there to remind me who I was and what I was capable of doing in this life, having unfailing faith in me. Thank you for always being there for me and knowing my heart and spirit so well. Thank you for your kind, supportive and loving words that help me to keep moving forward. You are my mother, sister, friend and confidant. Thank you for being my guardian angel here on earth. I don't know what I would have done without you in my life, I'm thankful I've not had to find out. Thank you for being you and for loving me so well. You help me believe in myself and help me believe that I am worthy of being loved by others. You have blessed me and continue to bless me in every way a human being is capable. I love you. Thank you for loving me unconditionally. I love you..............unconditionally.
I'm usually uncomfortable talking about myself in any deep way to most people, but Becky is not most people. I trust my sister with every fiber of my being. I feel free and comfortable with her in a way I am not with any other human. I feel this way because she has earned my trust. She has kept my deepest thoughts and confessions confidential. She listens without judgement. She has never attempted to teach me through shame or manipulation but with soft words and understanding. She offers help without demanding that I take it and does the same with her advice. She is firm in her beliefs while allowing me to voice mine freely. When I have dark days, she is supportive, loving and never shames me for being human and having human moments in my human life. She's helped me to understand who I am, accept myself and love myself. She has done this through her total and unconditional acceptance of me...all of me....the good, the bad and the ugly. She's managed to teach me late in my life what I never learned growing up; what it means to love unconditionally.
It's not an easy feat to love unconditionally. It's a rare virtue. It takes the ability to forgive. Not just sometimes, but always. It takes a tremendous ability to put yourself in anothers place, to see through their eyes, and if possible, feel what the other feels, as Becky does so well. It sometimes takes long suffering, although as she has taught me, this doesn't mean accepting disrespect, as well as never disrespecting oneself, or others. It takes the willingness to teach if necessary, and to be taught-because none of us knows everything and we can all learn something from everyone. These are but a few of her attributes, a few of her gifts that she shares with me and others. I am blessed to have her as a sister. I hope someday I can repay her for helping to repair my broken heart and spirit, especially these last few years.
Becky, I want you to know it's amazing how you always seem to know what I need and when I need it. There were times when my resiliency was lost and I was breaking... you were there to remind me who I was and what I was capable of doing in this life, having unfailing faith in me. Thank you for always being there for me and knowing my heart and spirit so well. Thank you for your kind, supportive and loving words that help me to keep moving forward. You are my mother, sister, friend and confidant. Thank you for being my guardian angel here on earth. I don't know what I would have done without you in my life, I'm thankful I've not had to find out. Thank you for being you and for loving me so well. You help me believe in myself and help me believe that I am worthy of being loved by others. You have blessed me and continue to bless me in every way a human being is capable. I love you. Thank you for loving me unconditionally. I love you..............unconditionally.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Happy Birthday Bret H Spackman
Yesterday was my son's birthday, Bret. He passed October 27th, 1984. I think of him nearly everyday and miss him terribly. Special thoughts and love you always son.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Found Christa!
I had a wonderful best friend in high school that I lost contact with for many years now. We've both lived in Kansas, and I ran into her once in JC Penny's in Towne East many years ago, but never connected after that. I've thought about her so often. She was so fun and funny; beautiful with her long legs, gorgeous skin and smile. I've missed her.I just started twittering and facebook and found her through facebook. I'm so excited to have found her again. I remember her as being so full of life and almost fearless and so beautiful. She sent me a note today and everything I remembered about her is still there. Even in her short note it came through. Fighting breast cancer with an indominable spirit and still generous with her compliments. I've missed my dear high school friend. I'm so glad I found her again. I'm looking forward to getting to know her after all these years.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Dadism.....
Sitting with dad today eating this great ice cream cake Sariah picked up from Dairy Queen and having a "how many calories are there in this thing anyway" type of discussion. Then dad pops off with one of his "dadisms". He has many, but this was new and felt I needed to add it while it was fresh in my mind.
DAD:
"Well, yunno, once you cut the cake and lay it on the plate..... the air gets to it, releasing all the calories into the air....basically calorie evaporation....."
Works for me.
Happy Fathers Day Father. I love you.
DAD:
"Well, yunno, once you cut the cake and lay it on the plate..... the air gets to it, releasing all the calories into the air....basically calorie evaporation....."
Works for me.
Happy Fathers Day Father. I love you.
Fathers Day
Happy Fathers Day to James Wayne. I love you dad. I love your kindness, and humor, your sensitivity and strong powers of empathy. I love your bear hugs, your huge grin and your ability to always make me laugh no matter what is going on. You've had a hard life with so many struggles....but you have managed to stay loving and kind. Not an easy feat. I'm on my way to Becky's to see you and give you a massage, although I suspect you may not let me, but I'll get one in somehow! I love you dad, thanks for being my father.
To My son Chris. Hmmm....I love you so much I don't think I can find the words to tell you. You are always respectful to me, always loving even when your angry with me...which doesn't happen often. I love your humor and I've been so impressed with how well you've matured without a man in your life, without a father, to be an example. Your ability to love unconditionally is amazing to me. Not many people can do that....you are rare. It's a wonderful gift you give to those you love. I'm blessed to have you in my life, I'm blessed to have you as a son, and Addison is blessed to have you as a father. I love you!
To My son Chris. Hmmm....I love you so much I don't think I can find the words to tell you. You are always respectful to me, always loving even when your angry with me...which doesn't happen often. I love your humor and I've been so impressed with how well you've matured without a man in your life, without a father, to be an example. Your ability to love unconditionally is amazing to me. Not many people can do that....you are rare. It's a wonderful gift you give to those you love. I'm blessed to have you in my life, I'm blessed to have you as a son, and Addison is blessed to have you as a father. I love you!
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